Paper 1 A hanging

Comments:

Intro -  Good job finding the purpose, now you need to clarify it and give it depth = capital punishment??  Your audience is fuzzy - what is he criticising?  What might he be hoping to change?  Who would he need to change things?    Avoid ‘in the following essay’.  Can you mention the techniques you plan to explore?  Don’t forget a flourish.  

Para 2:  Your topic sentence has a good mention of purpose, but it needs to identify which technique you will be exploring in this paragraph.  Clarify that you are using word choice as your technique.  Good explanations and some good connection to purpose (more is always better - hammer your purpose  throughout the paragraph/essay.  D+A ‘unspeakable wrongness’; ‘cutting’; ‘full tide’.   

Tone?:  Your topic sentence needs to hammer a clear/precise purpose, it also needs to identify a clear technique that you will be exploring in this paragraph.  Clarify that you are using tone as your technique.  Beware of retelling the story - you need to analyse HOW your chosen technique connects to your purpose - use D+A.  Hammer your purpose throughout.  

Para 4: Your topic sentence needs to hammer a clear/precise purpose, it also needs to identify a clear technique that you will be exploring in this paragraph.  This is an interesting point - but you need to analyse a technique.  You have repeated the ‘puddle’ example - this sends the message that you don’t have any other techniques to explore.  When in doubt, use D+A.  Hammer your purpose throughout.  

Concl - good recap of your techniques.  Good solid purpose - now add layers and detail to the purpose to really nail it.  You need more show off language here.  A flourish would be nice.

This is a 5