Intro - Your purpose is extremely vague - only women with curly hair?? What about all the other things in the passage?? Interesting look at color and the model - these would be good specific techniques. Format, style and language are too broad. Avoid ‘in the following analysis’ (THIRD mention of this). Don’t forget a flourish.
Para 2: Your topic sentence needs a clear target audience; it also needs to identify a precise technique that you will be exploring in this paragraph = ‘model’ is too broad. This is an image - that is your technique. Why are you exploring theme?? Beware of retelling the story - you need to analyse HOW your chosen technique connects to your target audience - use D+A. Hammer your target audience throughout.
Para 3: This is a loooooooooong sentence. Your topic sentence needs a clear target audience; it also needs to identify a precise technique that you will be exploring in this paragraph. You need to do this EVERY time. Beware of just summarising - you need to analyse HOW your chosen technique connects to your target audience - use D+A of boost/bounce and beat/frizz. Hammer your target audience throughout - what are their characteristics? How do you know?
Para 4: Your topic sentence needs a clear target audience; it also needs to identify a precise technique that you will be exploring in this paragraph. You need to do this EVERY time. Beware of just summarising - you need to analyse HOW your chosen technique connects to your target audience. What are their characteristics? Interested in health issues?? Explore.
Subheading? or word choice?: Your topic sentence needs a clear target audience; it also needs to identify a precise technique that you will be exploring in this paragraph. You need to do this EVERY time. Beware of just summarising - you need to analyse HOW your chosen technique connects to your target audience. Hammer your target audience throughout - what are their characteristics? How do you know?
Font/color (could be two separate paragraphs): Your topic sentence needs a clear target audience. Beware of just summarising - you need to analyse HOW your chosen technique connects to your target audience. Hammer your target audience throughout - what do the bright colors and large font say about them?
Para 7: Your topic sentence needs to identify a precise technique that you will be exploring in this paragraph. You are flirting with a characteristic of the target audience = weight/health conscious. HOW does your chosen technique connect to your target audience? You need to explain.
Concl - Good recap your techniques, but what about your target audience? You are MUCH too general here - you need to be specific. A flourish would be nice.
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