Paper 1 Oprah

Intro -  Your purpose is extremely vague - only women with curly hair??  What about all the other things in the passage??  Interesting look at color and the model - these would be good specific techniques.  Format, style and language are too broad.    Avoid ‘in the following analysis’ (THIRD mention of this).  Don’t forget a flourish.  

Para 2:  Your topic sentence needs a clear target audience; it also needs to identify a precise technique that you will be exploring in this paragraph = ‘model’ is too broad.  This is an image - that is your technique.  Why are you exploring theme??   Beware of retelling the story - you need to analyse HOW your chosen technique connects to your target audience - use D+A.   Hammer your target audience throughout.  

Para 3:  This is a loooooooooong sentence. Your topic sentence needs a clear target audience; it also needs to identify a precise technique that you will be exploring in this paragraph.  You need to do this EVERY time.  Beware of just summarising - you need to analyse HOW your chosen technique connects to your target audience - use D+A of boost/bounce and beat/frizz.  Hammer your target audience throughout - what are their characteristics?  How do you know? 

Para 4:  Your topic sentence needs a clear target audience; it also needs to identify a precise technique that you will be exploring in this paragraph.  You need to do this EVERY time.  Beware of just summarising - you need to analyse HOW your chosen technique connects to your target audience.  What are their characteristics?  Interested in health issues??  Explore.

Subheading? or word choice?: Your topic sentence needs a clear target audience; it also needs to identify a precise technique that you will be exploring in this paragraph.  You need to do this EVERY time.  Beware of just summarising - you need to analyse HOW your chosen technique connects to your target audience.  Hammer your target audience throughout - what are their characteristics?  How do you know? 

Font/color (could be two separate paragraphs): Your topic sentence needs a clear target audience.  Beware of just summarising - you need to analyse HOW your chosen technique connects to your target audience.  Hammer your target audience throughout - what do the bright colors and large font say about them? 

Para 7: Your topic sentence needs to identify a precise technique that you will be exploring in this paragraph.  You are flirting with a characteristic of the target audience = weight/health conscious.  HOW does your chosen technique connect to your target audience?  You need to explain. 

Concl - Good recap your techniques, but what about your target audience?   You are MUCH too general here - you need to be specific. A flourish would be nice.

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